January 17th, 2014
Today should be one of the most exciting peaks for the first couple weeks here for me because we left for the Los Largos resort which is located at the base of the Arenal volcano. We are here for the entire weekend enjoying hiking to waterfalls, going to the lake based near the top of the volcano, hot springs, swim up bars, going into town- its a five star resort ladies and gentlemen. But it’s a tough day to be excited and sociable.
Last night I got a call on Skype from my mom telling me that my grandma died about a half an hour earlier. It wasn’t surprising news because she was suffering more and more every day. I knew that I said my goodbye the last time I saw her, so it was only a matter of time before she let go. There were about 8+ people in the background of our Skype conversation at my grandparent’s house. What an amazing family I am apart of.
How do you respond to news like that? I (like I have been lately) didn’t really let myself respond emotionally. It wasn’t until my mom said it would be better if I didn’t come to the funeral since I have school and I’m so far away. That’s when I started crying. I know grandma would say I should stay, and I know it would probably save a lot of money and hassel- but I want to go for myself. I want to be with my family. I don’t want to be alone in the sadness I feel. I want that closure.
So for the first time in a good while, I let myself cry. And I wrote:
You are so loved. You are the strongest, most caring, passionate woman I have ever known. You taught me so much- whether it was about life, about how important the faith is, about the importance of family. There was always something I could learn from you. You are a beautiful soul- oh how I will miss you. I will miss your smile, laugh, the way you always kept busy. I will miss your shirt pins, your cookies, the way you smell, your brilliant way of fixing all our clothes, the awesome pajamas you made me. I will miss the way I saw Jesus through you. I will miss our conversations and your genuine concern. I will miss running errands with you and arguing about you always trying to buy me things. I’ll miss coming home from school to see my name on a plastic bag that has hand picked holiday themed socks waiting for me. I’ll miss knowing you are at every grand kid’s baseball and softball games, football games, and piano recitals. I’ll miss being sung happy birthday to over the phone every single year. I’ll miss seeing how you interact with grandpa. And the cards! Valentines day, Halloween, birthday, Christmas, “just because you love me” cards! I’ll miss those too. I’ll miss your phone calls and knowing my mom is out spending time with you. I’ll miss your cooking and your banana cakes. I’ll miss the special relationship we had. I will definitely miss the way you loved so deeply. I’ll miss everything about you.
But grandma- in the midst of my sadness and selfishness from not wanting you to go, I am honestly happy when I think about you with my Lord Jesus, great grandma and grandpa, aunt Kate, and our holy mother. You were welcomed into open arms and eternal happiness last night. I am so happy you don’t have to suffer anymore. I love you grandma, and I know we won’t be apart forever. There is always a part of you I take with me in my heart.
Love, your grand daughter,
P.S: See you in the Eucharist.